Marriage has changed dramatically over the last century. What began as a practical arrangement rooted in economics and family stability eventually became about love and raising children. Now, more people are delaying—or opting out of—marriage and kids entirely. So where does that leave marriage?
Is Marriage obsolete?
According to Pew Research, in 1960 72% of adults, age 18 and over, were married. Today that number is closer to 50%. Younger generations are marrying later in life, if at all, and some are opting out of becoming parents. So, is marriage becoming obsolete? With nearly 2 million weddings occurring each year in the U.S. alone, the answer is no. Have the reasons for getting and staying married changed? Definitely.
Divorce and long-term commitment
A 2019 WeddingWire survey found that 72% of engaged couples lived together before marriage. Many couples now choose to live together first to see whether a lifelong partnership actually works for them. Others decide to stay together without entering the government-recognized institution at all. As early as 2013, the National Center for Family & Marriage Research noted that “cohabitation has usurped marriage as the most common relationship experience in young adulthood.” In other words, commitment hasn’t disappeared—but marriage is no longer the default container for it.
The divorce rate is declining as well—even after accounting for the drop in marriage rates. Couples who do marry today tend to do so later in life, with more emotional maturity and financial stability. The result is that marriage has become less common, but more stable, than it was in the past.
But that stability doesn’t extend to older generations. According to the Pew Research Center, divorce rates since 1990 have doubled for those over 50 and nearly tripled for those 65 and older—a trend now known as “gray divorce.”
Why get married?
Americans tell us that love tops their list of the three most important reasons they get married, followed closely by desire for a life-long commitment, and companionship.
Psychology suggests people marry, in part, for security—making it harder to walk away when things get difficult. But there’s another reason we mark marriage with ceremony. Throughout history, rituals have been used to signal life transitions—graduations, birthdays, funerals, weddings, etc. They take something internal and make it visible, marking a shift from the past into a new future.
A wedding is an opportunity to share with our closest friends and family our beliefs about marriage and the commitment we are choosing to make. Then, going forward, those special guests are equipped to support us and remind us of the promises we made to each other on that special day.
Whether we get legally married or not, sharing our vow with others in a formal way offers a type of gravity to the commitment. And if we stay together 25 years or more, a long-term relationship offers a unique type of companionship.
The 25 Year Itch
We’re all familiar with the “7 Year Itch” in a relationship. A time when happiness often declines in a relationship and can lead to its ending. But there is another tumultuous phase in long-term relationships that happens at approximately the 25-30 year mark. This may explain the “gray” divorce trend.
Our late 50s through our 70s are often described as a time of liberation. It’s a phase marked by experimentation and reinvention. We’re less willing to comply out of habit and more willing to take risks. The question shifts from Why? to Why not? And from Someday to If not now, when?
If we’ve been married for more than a couple of decades when this phase of life shows up, we may look at our relationship with more scrutiny. After 25 years together there is bound to be some history, some unresolved issues, losses, and disappointments that may have gotten overlooked during the busyness of the first half of marriage. But in the second half, those issues demand resolution. And with divorce no longer stigmatized as a fate worse than death, it’s easier to contemplate leaving.
But if couples make it through this phase, there is something truly beautiful waiting on the other side. After 30-35 years together, we’ve finally reached the acceptance or commitment phase of relationship and have a real partner and friend. There is no longer a question mark hovering over the marriage. We know who our partner is, weaknesses and all. Yet we make a conscious choice to be with this person in spite of all of those things (and in some cases, because of them). We have someone in our life who knows us better than anyone else and provides a safe place for our hearts.
What does it take to nurture a long-term relationship?
Adaptability. A long-term relationship depends on it. If we are growing and evolving as individuals, the relationship will need to adapt.
Respect. How we treat our partner is everything. We must treat each other with love, kindness, compassion, and respect. Respect means honoring our partner’s independence and their right to make their own choices, even if we don’t understand them. If those decisions encroach on our wellbeing, then we may need to decide how we want to respond. But respect still allows the other person the agency of their own decisions—even the ones we wouldn’t choose ourselves.
Trust. We must trust that our partner is doing their best and resist the urge to question their intentions. When we judge and criticize, we withhold love. Distrust creates an unsafe environment for the relationship and ultimately may lead to its ending.
Support. We don’t have to have everything in common with our partner to have a long-lasting bond. But we do need to be supportive of our partner’s interests, even if we don’t want to participate.
Tracy, married 37 years, says the following about being married for over three decades, “Our interests are so different from each other that we have learned to just support whatever the other person is up to. One of my favorite modern philosophers, Werner Earhart, said, ‘People don’t need to have the same commitments to be satisfied together; they only need to be committed to each other’s commitments.’ We have taken this to heart. Give your spouse a push out into the world to do the things they love even if you don’t understand it.”
In marriage, we share every outcome. In conflict, because we are on the same team, there is no winner and loser—we either win together or we lose together.
Good relationships provide a safe place to grow as individuals and a respite during life’s storms. Our partner knows us in a way no one else does and is uniquely positioned to encourage us to explore our world in our own way and our own time, and to be there when we stumble.
Whether we are already in a committed relationship, or wish to be in one someday, rather than look for someone to check the right boxes, our goal could be to truly know another person—and to allow ourselves to be known in return.
Friendship is a relationship rooted in trust, mutual regard, and emotional safety—a place where we can show up as ourselves and be met with care.
In a long-term committed relationship, and in marriage, we have our ultimate life-long friend.
Wedding and Marriage Resources:
Free tools to help married couples overcome conflict:
www.marriagebuilders.com
Wedding Ceremony Book: “Do-It-Yourself Wedding Ceremony: Create and Officiate Your Unforgettable Ceremony Third Edition” by Dayna Reid
Whether you want to write your own vows or choose all the words spoken for your ceremony, you’ll find a wealth of wording and ceremony selections, both spiritual and non-spiritual to express your beliefs about marriage and the promises you wish to make.
Mile Square Golf Course Wedding Venue (Fountain Valley):
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